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Started a new journey

Hi, a little background info, I’m a 42 year old divorced father of one, blue collar worker from Wisconsin.  Into just about everything at one time or other, at least in my head, but have been into chastity play since I was 22 and heard of it.

It was then and still is considered too weird to talk about in public, so like most men do, locked it away in fantasy land never to return.  Instead I dated,women that were strong, independent, and actually kinda cruel, thinking I would end up where I wanted.  Turns out I never trusted them enough, or could communicate with them enough to tell them of my submissive needs.

I thought it was all over on that kinda stuff, in fact I didn’t think I would ever be close enough to someone I could not only trust with my secret, but trust with my sexuality.

Then I met this wonderful woman that is crazy about me, super giving, beautiful, and smart.  I knew from our time together my kinks were something she would not have heard of and decided to just let that go.  After awhile I have gotten so close to her, that it would feel like lying if she didn’t know the real me.  I have gone all my life hiding my sexual interests and been miserable, time to try openly discussing what kind of person I am and seeing if I can be happy.

She took it well, was open to try for me, and I was actually unprepared to talk about it. We were texting and she shared she had bought a sex swing, and having had a couple beers told her I had purchased something too.  I ended up telling her about it, I’m sure her mind was twirling with images, none of them erotic, and hadn’t even explained my interests what I wanted or expected.  I told her a bit later, gave her time to do some internet searching, and after some questions and answers was still ok with it, well, ok with me but was warming on the idea.

I had already purchased a mature metal jailbird a month before, and had been testing the sizing and wearability for a week.  I gave her a key when we met again, I tried to make it as casual as possible, no ceremony or pressure.  We made love that night, looked it over, used the key and everything.  She didn’t feel the need to keep it on, I was still on cloud 9 after sharing and wearing this thing all week.

I continued to wear it and she must have done some research on it cause she let me go down on her and she got off while used a vibrating dildo on her…she teased me a bit more, and we stopped. I desperately wanted to cum, done anything to cum, but I didn’t ask, and I fell asleep turned on and happy.   I still haven’t cum since the first night she took it off me and its maddeningly delightful.  We texted all the while  when I wasn’t there, she even sent pictures of her holding the key on her necklace(as well as other😍) that kept me at a stage of horny  I have never known.  God she’s actually getting good at this.  She’s never been able to talk about sex before so this is all pretty new to her but she’s doing great.

I told her my limits, not really a lot of them…not into extreme pain, being a maid, potty, or cuckolding.  She seemed relieved…I would imagine so, whenever I look up chastity I see super Dom whips, sissy maids, and watching a guy rail his wife. Not bad mouthing it, just not my gig. I like giving up all sexual control, and want her to test my limits on denial and activities I might have to do to achieve release.  I don’t mind stoping at any point, and I don’t mind getting to cum. I literally just want her to decide, all the while she has the freedom to pretty much tell me to do anything. After hearing some of my kinks, how far she takes it is up to her.  She really can’t push me too far.

I am so happy right now. Not just from the sex,or the teasing, but because I feel we are so open and close now.   She already knows more of the real me than anyone else.

Never blogged before so I have 0 followers and I don’t know if anyone will ever see it besides her, but I wanted to document our journey.

Curious thoughts of childhood

I was tumbling through tumblr as I am apt to do, and came across a drawn picture with a caption.  It was basically a mother catching her son in a nighty and explaining how it was ok and that she would spend more girls nights with him and teach him how to act like one.

I am sure it was meant to be sexual in nature, but to me it really struck a chord.  When I was little I would dream of that very thing happening, for her to say they made a terrible mistake, that I was really a girl, that she would whisk me away and teach me how to be one, and she would tell me there would be no more doctors or pills.  In real life my mother was not a very good mother, she didn’t like being one, and certainly would not have discussed my condition.

I am not upset with my folks, they made the best choice they knew, followed medical advice, and did everything they were supposed to do to a child born intersex in the early 70’s.  I also don’t regret their decision, I’m a happy person, raised male, am a father, and have a wonderful woman I love and desire like crazy.  It did take me back however to those days of confusion.  Before I really even knew much about anything with gender or sex, it just felt wrong.  It felt forced and like a chore.  No different than made to clean your room or wash your hands before supper.  These are your clothes, this is how you act, these are your friends, and all the things that you think are normal are wrong for you.

I wished and prayed that scenario so many times.  Like all things, time erodes what it needs to, and we weather the storm.  We grow up and turn into who we need to be.  Just thought I would share something that I had not thought of in quite some time and was recently reminded of.  That feeling of not having to try so hard to make others accept me, and that feeling of being saved.  Coming to my rescue.  It was also funny that all these thoughts came after seeing a captioned drawing obviously meant to be some kinky fantasy fodder.

As for our journey into our lifestyle, it is wonderful but not without its bumps in the road.  She’s great, and I am happy, but our schedule has been erratic and sticking with any kind of routine has been almost impossible.  I think we are heading into what most would call a Female LED Relationship (FLR).  Enforced chastity, physical punishment for infractions, forced activities that keep me in a subservient and attentive state, and in general submitting to her both in and out of the bedroom.  I think she likes me better when I’m that way, and I have come to terms with the fact I need her to make me that way.  Actually having the time and energy to do it is another.

Another bump in our dynamic that not a lot of people discuss is children.  I have a 12 year old boy that this year has started living with us on a more full time basis.  Basically 50/50 and sometimes more when his mother needs me to take him on her days.  I love him to the moon, but kids really affect this kind of dynamic.  My doting and attentiveness take a back seat to parental needs(as they should), routines go all but out the window on those days, and did I mention he’s 12?  He’s going through a lot with how to act, be funny, how to talk, what kind of person he wants to be, and testing his limits with not only me, but with a soon to be stepmother.  He’s a great kid, and is normally super polite and giving, sometimes lately he’s just been rude for no reason, and it hits her the hardest.  I know that it will pass, will get worse before it gets better, that he doesn’t mean anything by it, and he loves us both…that doesn’t make it any easier on her when he says some smart ass comment trying to correct her.

Anyway, we are still going strong, I’ve never been happier, and I am sure we will find a balance in schedule, and  routines, keeping me right where I’m supposed to be.

In subspace

Disclaimer…this is a graphic description of events.

It had been a few weeks or so, and due to certain circumstances we had not even been intimate for quite awhile (rashes, monthly’s, schedules, kid, work, and just plain tired) and that night was about to be just another one of those nights as we went to bed both a bit tipsy late in the evening.

She casually tapped my cage and asked me how the little guy was doing, I said stuck, and she said good she liked it that way. I immediately plumped up in my cage which she noticed and mentioned she could really use doxi.

For reference “doxi” and “Johnson” are the toys we usually go to, high powered wand and the 9inch dildo.

I handed her doxi and caressed her thighs while she worked the wand. That’s when the dirty talking started that drives me out of my mind. She starts with how much she isn’t going to let me cum, how I’ve not been serving her as I should and my tiny cock doesn’t deserve to be out. That I’m going to be cleaning the house naked, going down on her any time “I fucking feel like it”, and aren’t going to cum in a long time. She continues to work the wand on herself while I start to finger her. She is getting closer and asks me to get Johnson, she needed a big cock.

I quickly grabbed the harness with Johnson attached and knelt above her as I entered missionary. This position is not one I am often in unless using Johnson. I slowly entered her and heard her moan as the first 5 inches slid in. Once I had a few strokes in at that depth and I felt her grabbing me and pulled me in closer, I pushed in the other 4 inches and her guttural moan was right in my ear.

I was giving her a good fucking and more dirty talk ensued:
A: oh my god I needed this, I need a big cock like this, don’t i deserve a big cock like this?
N: uh huh
A: you wish you could fuck me like this don’t you, I wish you could too, I would let you fuck me every day. You can’t fuck me like this with your tiny little dick
N: no I can’t
A: I want a real cock, not Johnson, a real cock that fills me up like this, I want to fuck a real cock, will you get me a real cock
N: uh huh
A: you’ll what?
N: find you a real cock
A: what will you do if I find a real cock
N. Anything you want
A: will you lick my clit while he fucks me
N: uh huh
A: will you suck his cock
N: anything you want
A: will you suck his cock
N: yes
A: will you clean me when he’s done, will eat all his cum out of me
N: yes
A: that will be your job, your my little bitch and you’ll clean out my pussy, you won’t get to cum in me, I’ll keep you locked in your cage forever
N: ok
A: I might let you fuck me with your tiny little dick but you won’t cum

All this while I was fucking her hard and deep with Johnson. She came and said she wanted to feel my little cock in her while she came again with doxi. She unlocked me and I slid back into her, but with me this time. The feeling was amazing, warm wet and it totally enveloped me, and I could feel that Johnson had been their earlier. She let me pump for awhile and used doxi on her clit. I lasted about a minute and told her I had to stop or was going to cum. She rolled me off her and continued with doxi and as I was laying there trying not to cum, 20 seconds later it started to flow out. I rolled back on her and slid in her, cum still on my cock from the ruined orgasm and fucked her while she worked the wand until she came again. She said I will let you cum if you can do it quickly. Between the ruined and the drinking, I was still rock hard but knew orgasm wasn’t going to happen. I gave it a try since it felt so good but after a minute she said time was up “time to put that little thing back in its cage”.

I went to the bathroom and noticed a few abrasions from the bars of my cage(I think from rubbing on dried cum stuck to cage), so stayed unlocked for the night, but was told to lock back up as soon as I healed.

So….what a night. Probably the hottest sex we’ve had, and I didn’t even get to cum. I was in some sort of subspace. When she was talking like that I would have done anything, agreed to anything, I wasn’t even thinking. In fact I had to wait a few days to get it all straight in my mind because I was so zoned out before I could write it all down. I know I missed some of the things she said because I can’t remember exactly when she said them so left them out of the narrative, but she mentioned stuff about always eating my cum and not getting out of it, paddling my ass until she is soaking wet, etc. it was just so crazy and hot that I can’t get it all straight and I was so lost in her I don’t remember the order she said it.

So I caged up later and still horny as all get out, loving her more every day.  I am constantly surprised at how far we have come and the levels of trust and love that I have in her.  I am open to everything and hers.  Being in subspace like that, seeing her writhing in pleasure, imagining her being pleasured, talking to me that openly, gets me about as turned on as I’ve ever been.  I sure love you mistress.

 

Missing her

Schedule and some plain ol tiredness has seemed to have knocked me off my tracks.  Needing to get up at 4am for work has left morning fun impractical, and I tend to want to stay up with the child as long as I can so he doesn’t feel alone at night.  So that leaves us with my off days, which are days she had to work.

Things are looking to improve I imagine, her summer is open, and I too have a lot of vacation and off days.  I am hoping to get back to my blissful sexual tension and submissive behavior.   I haven’t locked up all week, and the longer I stay uncaged the more it seems silly to put it back on.  I am not very good at doing these kind of things on my own.  Why?! Because I don’t want to lock up.  Am I better when I am? Yeah.  Am I inclined to do it on my own? No. Do I want to clean her after I cum? Not particularly.  Does it put me in subbie mode immediately? Yeah.  Do I want to have lots of orgasms? Yeah.  Am I more sexually turned on that I don’t control when that happens? Yeah.  The very nature is lack of choice.  There is just something about not having any that makes me weak and melt.

She must think I am one odd duck.  Here is somebody that is outwardly very decisive, confident, and male.  Yet he gets turned on by being told to do things, made to do things he doesn’t want to do, verbally humiliated, and privately effeminate.

All I have to do to start dripping is think back to some of her “dirty” talk she has said.  Any time she mentions how small I am, how she needs a real cock, asking me what I would do if she was being fucked by a real cock, or threatening to keep me locked etc.  She turns me on like I’ve never known before.  I adore being her sissy maid, her toy, her pet, her slave….hers.  I cannot wait for us to get back there.  I feel I’m letting her down, not fulfilling my end.

On the physical side of things, I seemed to have gotten my erection capability back, but still only with foreplay or physical touch.  Breasts still tingling, so I imagine still growing but don’t seem to be getting any bigger.  Have noticed that playing with my nipples is very hot and gets me breathing heavy.  My diet is officially a flop.  I gained back almost all the weight I had lost and now am back at 210.  I can physically see my gut jut out when wearing a t shirt and I just get disgusted with myself.  I am not going to kid myself about a summer time diet, I drink too much beer and eat too many brats and burgers etc to say I am going to try again soon.  I am going to cut back on the crap, lessen the portions, and see if I can lose it with some good old fashioned will power.  At least not to get any bigger until I can give my diet another go.

Anyway, that’s all the updates for now.  Hoping our schedules and routines will mesh a bit more now that we will have some more time to ourselves, and looking forward to the future.

Thank goodness for this cage!

As my hormone levels seem to fluctuate and change, so do some physical aspects.  One, I’ll just say it…I am not horny all the time like I was.  I still think about sex, but it’s not this grinding need that I need to express.

I have recently noticed that I haven’t had any erections lately.  None in the morning, none on accident, the only time I have managed to get one was when I was willfully trying to see if it still worked.  It seems to chub up in the cage but goes away quickly.  It may be that it might not get hard anymore, and more than likely will cum soon after or before I actually do get hard.

Thank goodness for the cage.  I don’t know how my attentiveness or my libido would be if I wasn’t in lock up, allowed to touch it and cum whenever I wanted.  Although I will say it does make extended lock ups fairly easy.  We hadn’t had any intimate contact in awhile and she just asked me if I needed to be out soon.  No matter how I felt I of course only want to be out when she wants it out, but the odd part was my somewhat indifference.  I normally would have jumped up and tried to convince her, but really am ok with waiting until she wants it.  It probably helps that we haven’t been edging or touching, or having any sexual activity or sexually charged talk…that’s when my somewhat dormant libido wakes, and drags me around for awhile.

I haven’t even shown or tried out the new sex machine that I had gotten.  Although to be honest, as cool as it is, it’s not something you can just pull from a drawer.

There is something erotic to me about my current situation though.  When I have managed to plump up my cage lately, it’s from thinking of her giving me a hand job, teasing me about how small it is, and how it isn’t hard. That and touching my nipples.  They have become even more sensitive and touching them or think of her touching or licking them chubs me up fairly quickly.

So glad I have had the cage to keep me from wasting the horniness I do get on myself, and hope to play with her more often to keep me in the zone…might have to try to go to bed earlier, or mix in our fun nights with our “fun” nights!

Getting a haircut soon, getting a bit shaggy, but not in a very sexy way, looking more like the homeless.

And so it begins

I have been waiting with both trepidation and reluctant anticipation for the changes that my hormone issues would bring, and it looks like it is beginning.

I have been uncaged for four days now and have come to realize that accidental, unintended, and nocturnal erections are now gone.  Having been caged for a while I don’t know when it happened exactly, but it happened.  There have been other clues that it was beginning but were subtle enough to be coincidental, like breast sensitivity and clearer skin.

I can still get hard, in fact I was just in her Sunday night and was able to finish.  It did take longer than the usual seconds though.  At the time I chalked it up to being hung over and hadn’t peed yet.

I am a little disappointed that it’s starting so soon, yes the cage still has a point, but a lot of the point of being locked is erecttion control and it is becoming clear that isn’t necessary unless she is interacting with me.  She sent me a text today and things seemed to work just fine lol.

Still, as much as I am wondering what it will be like if/when my chest develops, I am apprehensive about any lack of erections or orgasms.  It is still very rewarding using the strapon on her, and the new sex machine will also fill in for me nicely, but I am selfishly worried about not being able to get hard.  Will she bother trying to get me hard if it turns into a lot of work? Will she feel like it isn’t worth it if I end up having orgasm without even getting hard?  What will orgasms even feel like without an erection?  She said long ago that it didn’t matter, that we would get through whatever, it may not be that simple when reality hits her.

This is fairly new and will see what happens.  Bright side is that wearing cage should be fairly easy if erections are harder to come by.

 

Being better

CF645C33-0541-4FF1-B446-FCCF0E75AD68I realized my last entry was a whirlwind of emotion and lacked perspective, so I thought I would clarify it.

We are fine, in fact I’ve never been happier.  That also makes me nervous.  Love doesn’t always solve everything, the movies make it look like every time a pair falls in love, they wind up together…the end.  Really?!!!  They don’t even know how they are as roommates let alone being together for the rest of their lives.  To be honest, people get mad at each other and irritated.  That is life, it’s how each handles those times that separates forever from failure.

Fact, I do not handle conflict very well.  I also have a need to be right.  I am terrible at resolving issues, especially when I truly believe I am right.  Others do not have this issue.  They know what they have to say or do, they do them, and everything ends up fine.

So that leads into what I believe I need in order to be better.  Well I touched on it on last post, but wasn’t very specific.  I used terms like stern, strict, punishment, and in charge, but didn’t elaborate on what I thought that meant, how it would apply, or what I hope she can do.

Here it is.  I want her to feel perfectly comfortable bending me over her knee, pin me there, and paddle me hard until I cry or until I have paid for whatever transgressions I had done(or perceived to do).  I want her to feel that it’s for both of us, I want her to feel that no matter how hard or long it is, that after I will be grateful because she’s ensuring we have a future, and I want her to do this whenever she pleases, even if she just thinks I’m getting too sassy, cocky, or a jerk.  I want it to be done, and I want us to be right after.

She means so much to me, and she deserves the best, and I want to be the best for her.  Not just when I feel all horned up, or subbie, but all the time.  And when I am not, I want her to correct me and we will be closer than ever after.

I have come a long way, I have become more open with her and have let her see my feminine side, but some barriers are hard to push through without a stern hand telling me.  She sometimes sends messages or pics telling me how it’s going to be, or some rules we should establish, and every time, it lifts a weight from my chest.  To have someone except something is wonderful, but to have someone tell you, to follow their explicit direction makes me so happy.

We will always be the best of friends, and love each other, but I need no nonsense drop of the hat, hard, merciless punishment, along with strict orders to do the things that ensure my submissive behavior.  I am not very good at carrying that weight, I want her to free me from that burden.

I would love to say this was totally for unselfish relationship stuff, but the fact is, I enjoy being told.  I enjoy following.  I enjoy obeying, and the harder, humiliating, or painful the task, the more I enjoy it.  I thrive on it, and it makes me melt into her.  I can’t explain it but it’s true. The other night when she yelled “get back in this bed right now!! I will paddle your ass sooo bad!”  I felt so good.  One it was just hot hearing her express her dominance, two she cared enough about me to not let me make things worse.  Refusing to let my behavior fuck our relationship up.

There ya have it, and it’s not without fore thought, or even trepidation that I asked this of her.  I understand that it isn’t always going to be fun, it isn’t always going to be something I agree with, and that I will experience an intense feeling of humility as well as extreme pain.  I believe we are worth it and want to be better for her.

My place

I find myself today thinking of the night before, disappointed in myself.  I totally forgot my place and our dynamic I have been trying to envelope myself in.

We had gotten into a bit of an argument, not over anything important, but I talked back and almost stormed out of bed…actually I did but she called me back.  Yes I was upset, I felt like she was calling me a liar, but I should have accepted her stance and said she was right, cuddled next to her and thank her for correcting me.  Instead I threw a fit, got mad, and nearly took away all sense of control or leadership I had wanted her to take.

She called me back to bed, and I returned, and after thinking about it all morning I came to realize that I need her to help me.  I need her to be stern, I need her to be in control, and I need her to stop me from ruining this relationship.  Some might say that punishment and this kind of lifestyle isn’t neccessary to keep a partner, and this was just a silly arguement over whether or not something was thrown away, but thats how resentment and closing myself off starts.  I can see it now, i would have went upstairs, plopped on the couch, and fell asleep.  She would have gotten ready for work and made enough noise to wake me but wouldn’t speak to me.  I wouldn’t have texted her during the day, we would stop communicating, and the next thing you know i stop my other duties.  Maybe i don’t feel like being the maid, maybe she stops caring if i am caged, maybe i stop feeling comfortable around her and stop dressing how i like around the house and i fall into a funk or depression.  Maybe she hands me the keys and is sick of all of my bs.

I know i just jumped a lot of steps, but i have a history of shutting down, closing myself off, and being a shitty partner when  left to my own devices.  I know i need her to not only discipline me for our relationship, but to help our relationship rebound quickly and to hit the reset button.  One thing that has always broken my heart, and makes me close up is the passive aggressive stuff.  Ignoring each other, pretending nothing is wrong but acting different…never knowing if the fight is over and everything is ok.  I need her to make things right for me.  Let me know we are good again and that im safe.  I would thank her and kiss her feet and hold her tight if she would spank me to tears, i would know that after we were back to normal, she still loved me, and i made it right.  There is no feeling like her being proud of me, and i would be grateful for those tears, because it means she loves me and us enough to keep me from destroying it.

I wanted her in charge, and i wanted her to control me not only sexually, but to make me better.  Here i then just spout off and put everything in jeopardy.  I don’t want this to fail, i don’t want my normal self to self destruct and destroy something so important.  I need her to be fierce, to crush it before this stuff turns into the things that have killed every other relationship ive had.  I don’t know if its fair to expect this from her though.  She shouldn’t have to work to keep me from self destructive behavior, and she certainly doesn’t owe me any promises that this is how our life will be.  I am near tears even thinking about if it doesn’t work, this is something she may not be even able to do.  Playful spanking is one thing, but to take charge, immobilize, and to paddle someone you love with enough force to make them truly submit is a whole other animal.  What happens to us if she can’t?  How long will it be before i end up ruining this relationship? Weeks, months, years?  I don’t think i can lose her.

So all in all, not feeling real good about myself today, worried about the future, and whether i will be shown my place, or wait for me to turn into someone we both hate.