Started a new journey

Hi, a little background info, I’m a 42 year old divorced father of one, blue collar worker from Wisconsin.  Into just about everything at one time or other, at least in my head, but have been into chastity play since I was 22 and heard of it.

It was then and still is considered too weird to talk about in public, so like most men do, locked it away in fantasy land never to return.  Instead I dated,women that were strong, independent, and actually kinda cruel, thinking I would end up where I wanted.  Turns out I never trusted them enough, or could communicate with them enough to tell them of my submissive needs.

I thought it was all over on that kinda stuff, in fact I didn’t think I would ever be close enough to someone I could not only trust with my secret, but trust with my sexuality.

Then I met this wonderful woman that is crazy about me, super giving, beautiful, and smart.  I knew from our time together my kinks were something she would not have heard of and decided to just let that go.  After awhile I have gotten so close to her, that it would feel like lying if she didn’t know the real me.  I have gone all my life hiding my sexual interests and been miserable, time to try openly discussing what kind of person I am and seeing if I can be happy.

She took it well, was open to try for me, and I was actually unprepared to talk about it. We were texting and she shared she had bought a sex swing, and having had a couple beers told her I had purchased something too.  I ended up telling her about it, I’m sure her mind was twirling with images, none of them erotic, and hadn’t even explained my interests what I wanted or expected.  I told her a bit later, gave her time to do some internet searching, and after some questions and answers was still ok with it, well, ok with me but was warming on the idea.

I had already purchased a mature metal jailbird a month before, and had been testing the sizing and wearability for a week.  I gave her a key when we met again, I tried to make it as casual as possible, no ceremony or pressure.  We made love that night, looked it over, used the key and everything.  She didn’t feel the need to keep it on, I was still on cloud 9 after sharing and wearing this thing all week.

I continued to wear it and she must have done some research on it cause she let me go down on her and she got off while used a vibrating dildo on her…she teased me a bit more, and we stopped. I desperately wanted to cum, done anything to cum, but I didn’t ask, and I fell asleep turned on and happy.   I still haven’t cum since the first night she took it off me and its maddeningly delightful.  We texted all the while  when I wasn’t there, she even sent pictures of her holding the key on her necklace(as well as other😍) that kept me at a stage of horny  I have never known.  God she’s actually getting good at this.  She’s never been able to talk about sex before so this is all pretty new to her but she’s doing great.

I told her my limits, not really a lot of them…not into extreme pain, being a maid, potty, or cuckolding.  She seemed relieved…I would imagine so, whenever I look up chastity I see super Dom whips, sissy maids, and watching a guy rail his wife. Not bad mouthing it, just not my gig. I like giving up all sexual control, and want her to test my limits on denial and activities I might have to do to achieve release.  I don’t mind stoping at any point, and I don’t mind getting to cum. I literally just want her to decide, all the while she has the freedom to pretty much tell me to do anything. After hearing some of my kinks, how far she takes it is up to her.  She really can’t push me too far.

I am so happy right now. Not just from the sex,or the teasing, but because I feel we are so open and close now.   She already knows more of the real me than anyone else.

Never blogged before so I have 0 followers and I don’t know if anyone will ever see it besides her, but I wanted to document our journey.

Thank goodness for this cage!

As my hormone levels seem to fluctuate and change, so do some physical aspects.  One, I’ll just say it…I am not horny all the time like I was.  I still think about sex, but it’s not this grinding need that I need to express.

I have recently noticed that I haven’t had any erections lately.  None in the morning, none on accident, the only time I have managed to get one was when I was willfully trying to see if it still worked.  It seems to chub up in the cage but goes away quickly.  It may be that it might not get hard anymore, and more than likely will cum soon after or before I actually do get hard.

Thank goodness for the cage.  I don’t know how my attentiveness or my libido would be if I wasn’t in lock up, allowed to touch it and cum whenever I wanted.  Although I will say it does make extended lock ups fairly easy.  We hadn’t had any intimate contact in awhile and she just asked me if I needed to be out soon.  No matter how I felt I of course only want to be out when she wants it out, but the odd part was my somewhat indifference.  I normally would have jumped up and tried to convince her, but really am ok with waiting until she wants it.  It probably helps that we haven’t been edging or touching, or having any sexual activity or sexually charged talk…that’s when my somewhat dormant libido wakes, and drags me around for awhile.

I haven’t even shown or tried out the new sex machine that I had gotten.  Although to be honest, as cool as it is, it’s not something you can just pull from a drawer.

There is something erotic to me about my current situation though.  When I have managed to plump up my cage lately, it’s from thinking of her giving me a hand job, teasing me about how small it is, and how it isn’t hard. That and touching my nipples.  They have become even more sensitive and touching them or think of her touching or licking them chubs me up fairly quickly.

So glad I have had the cage to keep me from wasting the horniness I do get on myself, and hope to play with her more often to keep me in the zone…might have to try to go to bed earlier, or mix in our fun nights with our “fun” nights!

Getting a haircut soon, getting a bit shaggy, but not in a very sexy way, looking more like the homeless.

And so it begins

I have been waiting with both trepidation and reluctant anticipation for the changes that my hormone issues would bring, and it looks like it is beginning.

I have been uncaged for four days now and have come to realize that accidental, unintended, and nocturnal erections are now gone.  Having been caged for a while I don’t know when it happened exactly, but it happened.  There have been other clues that it was beginning but were subtle enough to be coincidental, like breast sensitivity and clearer skin.

I can still get hard, in fact I was just in her Sunday night and was able to finish.  It did take longer than the usual seconds though.  At the time I chalked it up to being hung over and hadn’t peed yet.

I am a little disappointed that it’s starting so soon, yes the cage still has a point, but a lot of the point of being locked is erecttion control and it is becoming clear that isn’t necessary unless she is interacting with me.  She sent me a text today and things seemed to work just fine lol.

Still, as much as I am wondering what it will be like if/when my chest develops, I am apprehensive about any lack of erections or orgasms.  It is still very rewarding using the strapon on her, and the new sex machine will also fill in for me nicely, but I am selfishly worried about not being able to get hard.  Will she bother trying to get me hard if it turns into a lot of work? Will she feel like it isn’t worth it if I end up having orgasm without even getting hard?  What will orgasms even feel like without an erection?  She said long ago that it didn’t matter, that we would get through whatever, it may not be that simple when reality hits her.

This is fairly new and will see what happens.  Bright side is that wearing cage should be fairly easy if erections are harder to come by.


Being better

CF645C33-0541-4FF1-B446-FCCF0E75AD68I realized my last entry was a whirlwind of emotion and lacked perspective, so I thought I would clarify it.

We are fine, in fact I’ve never been happier.  That also makes me nervous.  Love doesn’t always solve everything, the movies make it look like every time a pair falls in love, they wind up together…the end.  Really?!!!  They don’t even know how they are as roommates let alone being together for the rest of their lives.  To be honest, people get mad at each other and irritated.  That is life, it’s how each handles those times that separates forever from failure.

Fact, I do not handle conflict very well.  I also have a need to be right.  I am terrible at resolving issues, especially when I truly believe I am right.  Others do not have this issue.  They know what they have to say or do, they do them, and everything ends up fine.

So that leads into what I believe I need in order to be better.  Well I touched on it on last post, but wasn’t very specific.  I used terms like stern, strict, punishment, and in charge, but didn’t elaborate on what I thought that meant, how it would apply, or what I hope she can do.

Here it is.  I want her to feel perfectly comfortable bending me over her knee, pin me there, and paddle me hard until I cry or until I have paid for whatever transgressions I had done(or perceived to do).  I want her to feel that it’s for both of us, I want her to feel that no matter how hard or long it is, that after I will be grateful because she’s ensuring we have a future, and I want her to do this whenever she pleases, even if she just thinks I’m getting too sassy, cocky, or a jerk.  I want it to be done, and I want us to be right after.

She means so much to me, and she deserves the best, and I want to be the best for her.  Not just when I feel all horned up, or subbie, but all the time.  And when I am not, I want her to correct me and we will be closer than ever after.

I have come a long way, I have become more open with her and have let her see my feminine side, but some barriers are hard to push through without a stern hand telling me.  She sometimes sends messages or pics telling me how it’s going to be, or some rules we should establish, and every time, it lifts a weight from my chest.  To have someone except something is wonderful, but to have someone tell you, to follow their explicit direction makes me so happy.

We will always be the best of friends, and love each other, but I need no nonsense drop of the hat, hard, merciless punishment, along with strict orders to do the things that ensure my submissive behavior.  I am not very good at carrying that weight, I want her to free me from that burden.

I would love to say this was totally for unselfish relationship stuff, but the fact is, I enjoy being told.  I enjoy following.  I enjoy obeying, and the harder, humiliating, or painful the task, the more I enjoy it.  I thrive on it, and it makes me melt into her.  I can’t explain it but it’s true. The other night when she yelled “get back in this bed right now!! I will paddle your ass sooo bad!”  I felt so good.  One it was just hot hearing her express her dominance, two she cared enough about me to not let me make things worse.  Refusing to let my behavior fuck our relationship up.

There ya have it, and it’s not without fore thought, or even trepidation that I asked this of her.  I understand that it isn’t always going to be fun, it isn’t always going to be something I agree with, and that I will experience an intense feeling of humility as well as extreme pain.  I believe we are worth it and want to be better for her.

My place

I find myself today thinking of the night before, disappointed in myself.  I totally forgot my place and our dynamic I have been trying to envelope myself in.

We had gotten into a bit of an argument, not over anything important, but I talked back and almost stormed out of bed…actually I did but she called me back.  Yes I was upset, I felt like she was calling me a liar, but I should have accepted her stance and said she was right, cuddled next to her and thank her for correcting me.  Instead I threw a fit, got mad, and nearly took away all sense of control or leadership I had wanted her to take.

She called me back to bed, and I returned, and after thinking about it all morning I came to realize that I need her to help me.  I need her to be stern, I need her to be in control, and I need her to stop me from ruining this relationship.  Some might say that punishment and this kind of lifestyle isn’t neccessary to keep a partner, and this was just a silly arguement over whether or not something was thrown away, but thats how resentment and closing myself off starts.  I can see it now, i would have went upstairs, plopped on the couch, and fell asleep.  She would have gotten ready for work and made enough noise to wake me but wouldn’t speak to me.  I wouldn’t have texted her during the day, we would stop communicating, and the next thing you know i stop my other duties.  Maybe i don’t feel like being the maid, maybe she stops caring if i am caged, maybe i stop feeling comfortable around her and stop dressing how i like around the house and i fall into a funk or depression.  Maybe she hands me the keys and is sick of all of my bs.

I know i just jumped a lot of steps, but i have a history of shutting down, closing myself off, and being a shitty partner when  left to my own devices.  I know i need her to not only discipline me for our relationship, but to help our relationship rebound quickly and to hit the reset button.  One thing that has always broken my heart, and makes me close up is the passive aggressive stuff.  Ignoring each other, pretending nothing is wrong but acting different…never knowing if the fight is over and everything is ok.  I need her to make things right for me.  Let me know we are good again and that im safe.  I would thank her and kiss her feet and hold her tight if she would spank me to tears, i would know that after we were back to normal, she still loved me, and i made it right.  There is no feeling like her being proud of me, and i would be grateful for those tears, because it means she loves me and us enough to keep me from destroying it.

I wanted her in charge, and i wanted her to control me not only sexually, but to make me better.  Here i then just spout off and put everything in jeopardy.  I don’t want this to fail, i don’t want my normal self to self destruct and destroy something so important.  I need her to be fierce, to crush it before this stuff turns into the things that have killed every other relationship ive had.  I don’t know if its fair to expect this from her though.  She shouldn’t have to work to keep me from self destructive behavior, and she certainly doesn’t owe me any promises that this is how our life will be.  I am near tears even thinking about if it doesn’t work, this is something she may not be even able to do.  Playful spanking is one thing, but to take charge, immobilize, and to paddle someone you love with enough force to make them truly submit is a whole other animal.  What happens to us if she can’t?  How long will it be before i end up ruining this relationship? Weeks, months, years?  I don’t think i can lose her.

So all in all, not feeling real good about myself today, worried about the future, and whether i will be shown my place, or wait for me to turn into someone we both hate.


Forcing someone into happiness

Being submissive is complicated.  Desire mixed with fear, wanting yet needing to be told.

I was reading a blog the other day, and it really got me thinking about how far down the rabbit hole I wanted to venture.  http://www.ladyalexauk.com/archive-index/

Its abit too far for me, there are certain things I  don’t believe belong in a flr…like financial dependency, not being allowed to sit on the same couch, curtsying etc.  the other stuff made me think though, what is the difference between wanting and needing.  Also the different reasons for both.  Certain activities may not be something I outwardly desire, but know I am better or a happier partner if I do them.  Then there is that whole subbie thing where I need to be told.  Why is that?

The theme has to do with consenting non consent.  Basically, I give permission to make me do things no matter how.  This mixed with the blog I was reading is what set my imagination running, and questioning what it is I want/need.

I find something very erotic about her being incredibly stern and non pliant.  To make me do things.  Not just I want you to, but I’m making you.  If you don’t maybe I will show your friends a picture of you dressed as a maid, etc.  That absence of choice makes it very hot, and the deeper and darker she gets, the hotter it would be…I’d be dripping in  Subbieness, although the fact is I know she wouldn’t really hurt me…but being forced takes away my thinking and any feelings of right or wrong.  It just is, now do it.

Mostly up to now it’s all been very voluntary.  I usually volunteer to lock up, I usually pick which days I dress a bit more feminine and clean, pampering her usually falls on when I deem the time is right, cleaning up cum is something she tells me to do, but She frequently doesn’t remind me.  To have her be firm, to have rules to follow explicitly, to threaten exposure if I don’t comply and or punishment if I disobey makes my cage tight.

After reading the blog, I think about what it would be like to be made to dress femininely at home, a rule, something I would HAVE to do.  My demeanor changes when I do, and I know I am a better partner, but it’s not something I can do in front of her without being told very often, and when I do, I subdue it to very androgynous.  For it to be expected, means I would be serving her, and being made to would eliminate whether or not it has to be that way.   It’s incredibly liberating when I am feminine around her, but the stigma of it being wrong is hard to shake unless I am told to do it.  Her blog describes it as a necessary part of creating a true submissive bond, putting me in a place of servitude.  I am not sure that is all there is to it, it seems some sort of humiliation is part of her plan as well.  Not that I am opposed to that, I actually love honest humiliation…I don’t find anything more erotic than a lover being honest about my size or my kinks.  Lately the hottest things we have ever done involved her talking to me about my size, taking a larger cock, what I would do, telling me to clean all of my cum from her, etc.  So verbally I am already there.

Its funny, I bought all these really pretty dresses, cute tops, shoes, stockings, and nighties, but rarely wear them because technically she didn’t make me.  They sit in the open in the closet and I just don’t feel like I am supposed to wear them unless I’m told…

This is a bit off that but still relevant …cock and ball torture.  I don’t know why I suddenly crave it, but since the first time she slapped my balls, I yearn for the ache and the opportunity to suffer for her.  Maybe it’s relevant because this too, I don’t want any choice in.  Tied up and made to endure it for her.  The actual ache is addictive, I’ve tried to reproduce it myself but is not anything like her doing it.  I bought a humbler but it’s something that you would need to take the cage off for, so has remained untouched.  It locks, and the thought of being made to wear it, made to stay on my knees and exposed to any assault on them makes my heart race.

I want her happy, I want to be the most loving and attentive partner that I can be, and I don’t know why being forced and humiliated into doing so interests me so much, but it does.  The more forceful she is with rules and compliance, the more it makes me feel she loves me…like I said, being submissive is complicated!

Well just some random thoughts after reading an intriguing blog.  It surely is a case of be careful what you wish for, but I never have to ever worry about regretting anything when it comes to her.

30 more

983ACCCB-6321-487E-98F4-B743540ABA48It’s been a few months so figured I would update if any still read this.

We are doing great.  Chastity wise I am getting a new cage today.  It’s a ringless device that doesn’t trap the balls.  Interesting and curious if it will be small enough to fit when flacid or big enough for when I get hard.  There are two theories on these types of devices…1. That it should be tight enough to prevent any erection and your body will adjust. 2. Eave enough room for slight erection, and it will be comfy and still caged.  I went for the 0 erection narrow theory.  Actually I am not really worried about that, I am more worried about it being either too long and making it pull on my piercing when super short, or it being too short and allowing too much penis behind the cage exposed enough to cum.  Even if it’s not perfect I hope it is something I can wear when my real cage starts giving me those blisters.

Serving her has been fun, lately it hasn’t been dresses and the whole 9 yards, last night it was my favorite pair of Capri jeans and a cute top.  Didn’t really matter, I felt like me again and was able to focus on her.  Cleaned up around the house, cleaned the tub, made dinner, gave her a bath, a full body massage and some erotic fun after.  She even let me out of my cage with an orgasm…unbelievable!

I truly cannot describe the feeling of being inside her after some time locked up.  The moment I was in her I pushed myself in her as far as I could to get that feeling as much as I could.  Part of me wanted to just stay there and enjoy it, the other part of me wanted to thrust in nd out of her as fast and hard as I could.  Of course I started thrusting into her like I was trying to reach the back of her.  She could probably sense my urgency and told me to slow down and get doxi(the wand).  I retrieved the heavy duty pleasure machine and handed it to her.  I hovered just over her, I wanted to slide into her as she used the machine but I couldn’t reach her entrance without her removing the wand from her clit, so I just touched, fondled, and tried to enhance her experience.  After her O I slid back in to her as far as I could, oh my that feeling again! Totally encased by her flesh, hot wet and wrapped around me, made even more sensitive from being kept in its steel cave.  Within seconds I was ready to blow and told her I needed to stop.  She whispered that I could finish and I blew.  I was clenching and moaning and I could hardly describe it in words, only that for 10seconds I had nothing in the world matter but the moment.

After we cuddled and had ourselves a moment.  It made me think of some things that have changed.  It’s not necessarily good or bad, just different, will have to ask her one of these days her opinion on them.  I assume it’s the way it’s supposed to be because she’s in charge.

1. Clean up.  She hasn’t told me to clean up my mess in some time.  Maybe it’s something she doesn’t enjoy me doing.  I of course do not remind her, after a full orgasm, the last thing on earth I want to do is that.  I know I get into subbie mode right away if I’m told to do so, but it’s not something I can do on my own, mostly because it’s about doing as I’m told…like it or not.  Of course I would not want her to doing anything that she doesn’t want so I will continue to follow her lead on that.

2.  Ruined orgasms.  She used to give them to me quite often, as kmuchbas they were maddeningly frustrating, and really the only time I’ve really begged during all this chastity play, they are still fun and although I don’t get to cum, her touching my penis and getting the sensations is still plenty sexy.

3.  Punishments.  She hasn’t spanked me in I don’t know when.  She can if she wants to, she just hasn’t.  This is something that used to excite her, it must not anymore cause she hasn’t, and find it hard o believe it’s because I’m so darn good lol!  At one point she had even said she was going to make a maintenance schedule.

4.  Cock and ball torture.  This one I have a catch 22 feeling on.  I crave and desire it, I want to feel the pain and throb of truly withstanding it for her, yet it’s obviously pain.  I don’t know, she did a little a few times and it makes me super hot to take it from and for her, but it’s not something that must interest her for she only did it a few times and wasn’t too serious about it.  I bought a humblr that she could even lock on me, I think the ball tortore is the hottest, but I think she feels like it’s too much and that physical pain isn’t sexual.  Ever since she tried it on me I have been craving her firm physical control, it may be something she outgrew.

5.  Anal play.  She at first was game for milking me(finger in my bottom to milk my prostate till cum leaked out without orgasm). She tried pegging me a few times as well.  I had not seen any demands made for this to happen again so I assume she wasn’t into it.  Before you ask, no there was no “accident” or poo issues, whenever she was near there I had always cleaned inside and was ready if need be, I still do just in case.  Pegging isn’t something that I look forward to its mostly something that makes me feel controlled, an act of submitting so it’s not something to miss or not miss,  Although I would love to have an orgasm through pegging, ultimate in sexual submission.  I have tried and have gotten close, I just can’t do it by myself so have stopped trying…my arm gets tired right when I almost get there lol.  Milking actually feels good so that was something I miss, but when she did it when she touched my cock I would always get close to cumming really fast and had to stop her very early.

Its weird how sometimes things just seem to slip away.  I’m not sure if it is a deliberate omission, or more like outgrowing a pair of shoes.  As long as she is happy so am I!

I cannot believe how happy I am.  I never knew how empty I felt inside and how depressed I really was until someone let me be me, the real me.  Is it normal for a real boy to be happier when he’s a girl? No, I guess I’m not normal. Cause the bright side of my life are the days when I’m wearing clothes that belong and I’m serving her.  I don’t feel like I’m gross, I don’t feel like a giant lie, and I don’t feel like I’m a mistake that shouldn’t be.  I put on my “real” clothes and I open up, I want to hug her and hold her and thank her for letting me be myself and not being alone.  It shouldn’t matter, it’s just clothes right? But it does, cause instead of hating myself when I look down, I see the real me, even if it will always be in short doses.  It means so much to me that she is in this with me and that I’m not alone.  The other day when I was getting ready for serving her I had chosen my casual outfit instead of the more formal dress (which I love), she asked me “no dress today?”  I had thought about it, but had already did most of household duties buck naked and formality was about over at this point, so went with some casual clothes.  I loved that she was asking, interested, and involved.  It would break my heart if I thought she actually hated the real me and put up with it because she loved the lie I put out to everyone else in life.

Sex wise she still pushes all my buttons, teasing me about my size, I still don’t know why I get so turned on by it yet here we are.  Maybe it’s brutal honesty that lets me know that I see you and I still love you.  A new one is the cuckold stuff which is more recent than others but still some of the hottest things she has said.  We both know she isn’t interested in actually finding someone else, but that doesn’t change that when she tells me what she wants, or wants me to do, or what she going to do, I get so turned on I can physically feel precum start to leak out of me.  Actually all of her verbal teasing has been the most erotic thing in the world to me.  Whether it’s telling me what to do, telling me what she will make me do, or even telling me what I’m not going to do lol, her involvement and verbal or physical demand over me has made me melt.

So that’s where we are now, sexually and emotionally.

So almost 2 years together and going strong, here’s to 30 more!

New beginnings

New beginnings

Well I backslid a bit from my previous statements of service.  This time it wasn’t an excuse, we really did need a handyman more than a maid.  We worked on the house for the last few months and just finished.  Ceilings, drywall, shelving, tables, bar, sliding barn doors, coat racks…not to mention all the work she did painting, putting things away and organizing.  For the first time since moving in, there isn’t a major project I wanted to get done or was starting.  So new beginnings are upon us.

I told her I would renew my vow to be her maid, and  her pampering and needs would become my priority.  I bought some very cute heels that fit and match the dresses I had.  I’m all set to begin my new role.

This amount of feminization is required for me to be so doting.  I realize this now because the last few months I have just not been able to be that person without it.  I feel bad that I can’t do this without removing my male persona, I feel bad that to be a loving, and doting partner and to be myself, I must remove the facade I wore most of my life.  There is just something about being my natural self that allows me to let barriers come down and I don’t have to be such an ass.  I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just how I respond.

So soon we will be back to giving her long rub downs, washing her hair, doing her nails (maybe our toes can match again), fixing her dinner, and her being greeted by her maid at the door and a clean house to relax in.

Chastity device and wear has been a bit tricky lately.  I seem to get a small blister where the skin under my sack folds up.  After a week I seem to need to be out of it for a few days.  Was thinking of asking her if I could unlock at night on the days I don’t have to work.  That might provide the breaks I need to keep it from Constantly needing to heal.

On the sex front we have been having more lately, but not sure if she is doing it for me or for her.  She hasn’t made me clean up after in awhile, given any punishment spankings, or ball torture in quite awhile so feeling a bit confused on if she is into this still, or that maybe she doesn’t feel the need to keep me in a submissive state.  I know I am a better partner that way, but maybe she thinks it’s not worth it.  I don’t know, I over think things when I have too much time on my hands.

Losing weight should be a lil easier than I had originally thought.  She is on a similar diet so I won’t have to skip eating with her and don’t have to make two meals.  I still weigh 210, but chest is still growing slightly.  Will see how I look once I’m down to 170 again.  Wondering if I will drop an inch or two off my chest and hips if I lose some weight but doubt it.  At least I will look better in my dress if I drop the weight.